


Cracked Dragon Eggs

by Prisioux



Series: Weird Westeros [6]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, BAMF Daenerys Targaryen, BAMF Jon, Crack, Don't Like Don't Read, F/M, i cannot write seriously for this anymore, season 8 was shit, the ending should have been both jon and dany together and against the world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-23 13:41:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21321097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prisioux/pseuds/Prisioux
Summary: Why be depressed if you can be happy?Kit attends Emilia´s birthday party. Their wishes- for their characters to have a happier ending- come true.***“Nonsense! Dany will only burn those who betray her. Because I am your friend and care about you, I am not going to tell her you did just that, yes? I don´t want my wife to burn my best friend forever on the night we will lawfully consummate our love...at least four times...not to mention the cuddles...she likes to cuddle, you know?”“YOU CANNOT MARRY YOUR MAD AUNT, JON!”“ Why ever not, Sam? You said it yourself- I am a Targaryen. That is what we do. That, and burning people. I would be more careful if I were you, dear friend. Now I have to go and eat some pussy. Don´t be a hater.”
Relationships: Jon Snow/Daenerys Targaryen
Series: Weird Westeros [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/855052
Comments: 34
Kudos: 52





	Cracked Dragon Eggs

**Author's Note:**

> People, no excuses or pretension here. This is crack. The only way I like it- positive, well-meaning crack. If you want something serious...you came to the wrong place.  
(I wish DnD would have said that so that I would not have lost time thinking GoT had some deep meaning- Ha! the joke is on me. I cannot take this seriously anymore, but I admire the true fans out there who do it.)

Emilia Clarke was on her second daiquiri when one of her best friends, Kt Harington, finally arrived at her party: “ Oh, hi there!!! Where is Rose?”

Kit made a face: “ Down with the flu- it is horrible!”

“It cannot be as horrible as…”

“Season 8!” they both said in unison- laughter followed. 

"Ah, before I forget” Kit said while retrieving a small package. Bow at all- from the bag he was carrying: “ Happy Birthday!”

It was a beautiful golden necklace- a dragon eating its tail, eyes of ruby, chain of pure, rich gold. 

“ Own...you are the best! Thank you!”

“No, _You_ are the best- now, the lady who sold me said you would have to make a wish...she said something about this necklace having magical powers and charged me double for it!”

Emilia smiled, downed the rest of her drink and, with a hand gesture, asked Kit to assist with the necklace. 

The Targaryen theme started playing on the background. Emilia almost- _almost_\- broke down crying. She hated what they had done with her character, but so was the life of an actor- always at the producer´s mercy.

“A wish you said?” 

***

They made passionate love inside a cave while Rhaegal and Drogon waited outside. Jon could not resist, but do _ that _ thing he did with Ygritte the last time he was in a cave.

Daenerys came a second time on his mouth and after they kissed, they both fell asleep.

Only to wake up a half an hour later- scared and angry.

"The dream, you had it too?” Daenerys asked, eyes still red from crying.

Jon nodded.

“ Will it come to pass, Jon? I am...I am _ scared _! I am not a monster! I lost everything...everyone I loved...even you! Why?”

Jon ´s heart was pounding. She was right. Daenerys was no monster. He would not leave her alone.

Besides, he had no intention in ending his days as a man without honour, north of the wall, freezing his butt and having only his hand as a company- Tormund was good looking enough, but he was neither inclined nor interested.

“ No, beloved- You are not a monster- But _they_ are. We will get rid of them, I promise.”

Daenerys considered the statement for a second. “ All of them?” she asked. “ If the dream is true...and you are a Targaryen...if we burn them all, they will say we are _both_ mad.”

“No, they will not,” Jon said defiantly. “ They will not say a word because they will be dead if they dare to. "

"We need a plan.”

***

The Three-Eyed Raven kept waiting outside The Walls.

He did not even try to reach out to See what was happening inside the Castle- and before the weirwood, where Jon and Daenerys were getting married in the presence of Missandei, Greyworm and Tyrion Lannister, whom they decided deserved a long, slow and painful torture, starting with bearing witness to the girl he loved but would never fuck marrying the boy he lusted after but would never fuck.

The Three-Eyed Raven waited...

and waited...

and waited...until the sun went down and the Moon, up. 

***

** Meanwhile...inside the castle.**

“Your Grace...I...would like to ask of you…”

Daenerys rolled her eyes. Samwell Tarly was despicable. Beneath that good boy facade, he would have killed her if he could- and what for? Because she burnt his father, and brother?

Well, did he not know that the punishment for treason was death? And that the Tarlys had betrayed their Liege?

Double Standards all around her.

“Before you say anything, my Lord, I just want you to know that your Lady Mother and sister are well and safe- that I made sure they kept their lands and honour, even though your Lord Father and Brother lowered themselves by siding with the Whore Queen, going on a rampage on Tyrell’s lands, raping and pillaging the smallfolk of the lands they were born and swore to protect.”

She was, of course, _fucking_ with Samwell.

Yes, his mother and sister were fine- but did _he_ even care to ask about them the first time around?

_Nope_\- and that is everything you need to learn about Samwell Tarly- he might be among the best people in Westeros, but this meant very little since Westeros was a dumpster fire of shitty people and even shittier Ice Demons.

“Your Grace...you mean to tell me that...”

“Yes, that you can keep your sword- and yes, that your father and brother were tried, found guilty and that yes, they preferred death than go to The Wall and live beside you.”

The fat man left in tears.

Ser Jorah looked at Daenerys as if asking “ did I miss something?” and Daenerys looked at him as if answering “ Nah, nothing of importance…”

***

The Three-Eyed Raven coldly told Samwell Tarly to go and find Jon and tell the hapless man the truth about his heritage.

When the would-be Maester finally left to play his part, the Three-Eyed Raven resumed his waiting and realized he had peed himself a second time.

He silently cursed Hodor for being a stupid lackwit and getting himself killed in that bloody cave. The Giant Man had been in charge of helping Brandon Stark with his boy parts since Jojen Reed, another stupid lackwit, also got himself killed in that bloody cave.

But losing two friends did not make Brandon Stark sad—-no, no, quite the contrary actually.

After all, Brandon had finally got what he wanted: to be left alone with Meera Reed, his crush. Foolishly, he asked her to help him out...expecting that all that helping would lead to...something more. 

Oh, how wrong he had been!

He took _ it _out. “ Help me, Mee-Mee, “ Bran said in his most pleading voice.

Meera did help him. She closed her eyes as to not see _ it _, but since Brandon insisted she use both hands, her nose was free to smell all that unpleasantness odor, the mix of puberty and lack of hygiene, that characterized young men like Brandon.

That night, after dinner, when Brandon was finally ready to make his move, Meera, cheeks red with shame, politely told him that she had no intention “ of getting near_ it _ ever- ever-again”

The last vestiges of Brandon Stark died that night; he woke up as the heartless, emotionless, unloving, uncaring entity known as Three-Eyed Raven, and he would move heaven and earth to make all people as miserable as he was!

And yes, since then, he took to pee on himself and not bother- if nobody wanted to touch _ it _, so why would he?

***

“Oh, hi Samwell.”

“Err...Jon...I have something important to tell you.”

“Fine. Go ahead. Make my day.”

“You cannot allow Daenerys Targaryen to be Queen! It is your duty to stop her madness.”

“Pray tell Sam, why is my Duty to take the Iron throne away from my Dany?”

“She is not..._your_ Dany, Jon! She is your aunt! YOUR AUNT! You are a Targaryen, Jon! The legitimate son of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark! Your is the Iron throne...you have to save us from her..she...she killed my father...and, my brother! Who does that?”

“As far as I know, all the nobles of Westeros do that to traitors- they execute them. Oh _ well _, I suppose there is always the option to send them to The Wall, right? Knowing my Dany, I would bet she listened to her advisors and offered your old man a deal. Or was it not like that? She just burned them, as it was her Right? So hot!”

“Jon...she is MAD!! You have to stop her- she will burn us all!”

“Nonsense! Dany will only burn those who betray her. Because I am your friend and care about you, I am _not_ going to tell her you did just that, yes? I don´t want my wife to burn my _best friend forever_ on the night we will lawfully consummate our love...at least four times...not to mention the cuddles...she likes to cuddle, you know?”

“YOU CANNOT MARRY YOUR MAD AUNT, JON!”

“ Why ever not, Sam? You said it yourself- I am a Targaryen. That is what we do. _ That _, and burning people. I would be more careful if I were you, dear friend. Now I have to go and eat some pussy. Don´t be a hater.”

***

Jaime Lannister was before them, at The Great Hall. 

When Brienne of Tarth asked to be heard as a witness and Lady Sansa was of mind of allowing such testimony to be taken into consideration, Daenerys asked the word :

“Tell me, Ser Jaime, say we all forgive your past indiscretions- meaning, we all, collectively, forgive you for pushing a child out of a window and leaving said child paralyzed from the waist down…and

For killing a son of The North in cold blood while breaking your neutrality vow once again...and

For trying to stick a sword on my back while I was down and defenseless... and

For murdering an old woman in her own castle…

and, most importantly, for being the cause of all the death and destruction that has befallen the Seven kingdoms just because you liked fucking your sister from behind…

Say that we forgive you for ALL those crimes, just on account that you saved Brienne of Tarth´life and gave her a sword to find Lady Catelyn´s daughters, both actions any Knight worth his salt would be obliged to, since you had vowed to the late Lady of Winterfell when she freed you, to return her daughters and Lady Brienne was part of this mission…

Say we give you one last chance. What will you do after this war is over? Will you return to Cersei? Will you be by her side when we come to get her? Are you going to forsake this love that made you blind to all the sufferings of your people, and commit yourself to the path of your absolution? 

Will you renounce Cersei Lannister now? 

Will you _ ever _ renounce her?”

***

Jaime Lannister was found guilty that same night.

The last words he heard before Arya Stark- the ninja, the legend- came from behind his back, jumping out of nowhere, and, with a single movement, sliced his throat with that butter knife of hers, were from Brienne´s lips:

“You are a piece of shit, Jaime.”

***

** 10 minutes before the War Council was to start...**

“Where is Lord Tyrion? The War Council is about to start and he is running late... Lord Varys, you wanted to talk to me?”

“Err...Your Grace, something unexpected happened and…. Well, I am afraid you are in need of another Hand, Your Grace!”

“I agree Tyrion has not been on the top of his game lately, but is it not a bit mean of you to suggest I replace him? I mean, I thought you were friends…”

“No, Your Grace, I do not mean replace Tyrion as a Hand, but to name another for the position since...well, I am sorry to say, but Lord Tyrion Lannister has sadly passed. I would have told you earlier, but you and Good King Jon left to consummate your marriage- four times, as you announced- and your last order was to not be disturbed, even if the White Walkers were to attack. ”

“Well, we should look at the positive side: you seem to have learned how to follow orders, Congratulations, Lord Varys. As for Tyrion- how sad!. Truth be told, he was not _much_ of a Hand, but he was pleasant enough, I suppose? By the way, how did he die, Lord Varys? Was that awfull story about the jackass and the honeycomb again? I told him he would end up getting killed- that joke is so offensive!”

“No, you Grace, it was not that filthy joke. In fact, I am afraid his demise presents us with a Diplomatic conundrum. You see, Lord Tyrion became distraught, started drinking and accused Lady Arya of unjustly killing his brother, since the punishment for his crimes had not been announced by the Jury. Lady Arya took óffense, claimed it was obviously a case of trial by combat, and challenged Lord Tyrion to call her a murderess, which he did and…”

“Let me guess: Arya Stark jumped out of nowhere, with a dagger in her hands, and sliced Lord Tyrion´s throat?”

***

The scene before him does not upset Jon- honestly, he has seen worse: “Well, Arya, would you please stop sticking them with the pointy end? Technically, Tyrion Lannister was right in calling you out...”

(Arya is silently removing the faces of Tyrion and Jaime Lannister) “ So, what that he was right? Can you not recognize a killer when you see one? That is what I do- I kill people whom I dislike. I have my reasons.”

Monsters are not born, but made. Arya Stark did not have many chances in life. Neglected by her religious, overbearing mother, who favored her sister, and overlooked by her father, who was always busy working until he died like a bitch, Arya ran away from home before she was ten, joined a street gang, where she killed for a living, before joining a death cult, where she killed for a living.

“You spoil everything!” Sansa finally screamed. “ This was Mother´s favorite rug- now there is blood all around!”

“You always liked pretty things “ Arya finished with her job and, under her sister´s eyes, started cleaning. In a matter of seconds, the rug was as good as new.

The House of Black and White taught Arya many things- chief among them, the art of dry cleaning.

“So, what now? I killed the dwarf and the sister fucker. Is there anyone complaining about it? Is Cersei asking for my head? If that is the case: do not worry. I am killing her too.”

Jon rolled her eyes as Arya recited her list. As a last courtesy, he allowed the psychopath to finish speaking the names before he, not so patiently, explained to her what the problem was. “ Nobody cared for Jaime Lannister, that is right, but Tyrion was my wife´s Hand and ally. We will rule the Seven Kingdoms and it would make us both look weak if we did not address this issue before we move South.”

“You say as this war you kept referring to as the Last war is going to be easy to win,” Sansa noted. “ Have you overstate the White Walkers Powers or...are you hiding something from us.”

“Both. As it turns out, the White Walkers are just a bunch of headless idiots that follow a loser they call King. Or something the matter. At any rate, all we need to do is to kill the head, and they will all melt away and bla bla, we are saved. And yes, I am keeping secrets, as you kept The Vale Army a secret from me, right Sansa?”

To her credit, Sansa looked chastised at the jab. “ Fine- keep your secrets then. But what will happen to Arya?”

“She will be the trailblazer she has always been born to be...going where no woman ever dared to!”

Arya´s eyes shined with glee. “ West of Westeros?!

“No. The Wall! You are to join the Night´s Watch! Now...if you feel like, you know, going for tea with Tormund *wink wink* and never returning again * nudge nudge* I would bet a certain dire wolf and her pack would travel North without a doubt. “

This was good enough for Arya and she promptly accepted the deal.

*** 

Theon and Alys Karstark offered to guard the Three-Eyed Raven, but Jon and Dany shut them down. “ The Queen and I will fly over and attract the Night King to the Gods´s wood, where Bran will be guarded by some Unsullied. Theon will be at the Gates, where his skills as an archer are needed; Lady Karstark and Lady Mormont will guard the Crypts and the Castle proper.”

Samwell whined. “ The Three-Eyed Raven is the memory of Westeros! If he dies, we all die!”

“This is not true- both realistically or metaphorically.”

Now, Brandon was left speechless. He did not see this coming. Neither Jon or Dany, were open to him.

What _was_ happening?

Daenerys continued.” The Three-Eyed Raven, as far as I understand, is not an old man, with a long, white beard, that sits on a weirwood Throne far North and tells children stories about a shared past. He basically hoards knowledge that is only accessible to him, and barely comprehends said knowledge. If there is one person here who should know how to kill White Walkers, it should be the Three-Eyed Raven- and yet, when we asked him whether Fire would kill the monster, what your cousin said, my King?”

“ He said, and I quote- _ I do not know _.” 

Many of the present murmured their agreement.

Not-Brandon looked at Samwell Tarly, his second most important ally, and saw the man was starting to reconsider his loyalties.

It was then that Not-Brandon asked about the whereabouts of his most important future ally.

“ Where is Lord Tyrion?”

“Oh, Bran...we did not want to disturb your nap. “ Sansa was actually too scared to go near the horny boy. Brandon, brother or not, was a creep- who would willingly watch his sister getting raped and say that she was “ beautiful”?

Whatever Brandon_ did _in his alone time, Sansa wanted no part of _it._ “ Arya killed Tyrion Lannister- she just jumped out of nowhere and, you know…”

“She sliced his throat…”

“Oh, _ now _he knows something.” Tormund, not so discreetly, commented to a visibly amused Ser Davos. “ The All-seeing Crow! What a waste that one!”

“Go easy on the boy, Tormund. But honestly, this does not speak well of his supposed gifts- who would have not seen_ it _? Lady Arya has a fierce reputation after all and her methods are well known.” Davos fell into a second of silence and then added, in a low tone “ Besides, the dwarf should have minded his tongue. Unpleasant man, he was.”

Davos quickly explained to Tormund the reason he was not particularly fond of Lord Tyrion.

“ Wildfire huh? Never seen it! Southron magic I heard.”

Davos, still traumatized by his loss, even after all those years, silently agreed with his new friend.

***

The War for the Dawn was over in two hours.

Daenerys kept the 90 plus sons of Craster busy by setting them on Fire, while Jon and Rhaegal hid in the shadows of the moon.

The Night King made his move.

Brandon Stark peed in his pants again.

***

He had Seen it!

“All Hail Brandon, the Broken!”

Tyrion Lannister was alive!

They were all lying to him- the filthy humans!

He would be King!

He would stop peeing on himself and would live forever.

***

The Three-Eyed Raven was an Entity of cold. That his host would die a virgin was of no consequence, because, while the guy who had been known as Brandon Stark believed he would live forever- he would _ not _.

The Three-Eyed Raven was many people, many memories of people, but just one will: the will of the Children.

In a couple of hundred years, another boy would be developed as a viable host, and they would allow the husk that was Not Brandon Stark to finally rot and die.

Everything, in their opinion, was going according to plan.

Until it was not.

***

The end was pathetic and fast.

Jon simply jumped from Rhaegal and stuck both the Night King and Not Brandon with Longclaw.

They both disintegrated instantly- pieces of cold ice falling under Jon´s feet.

“Game over.”

***

**The Red Keep**

“Your Grace...Euron´s fleet has been burned to the ground.”

“What about our walls?”

“Breached, Your Grace. And there is an angry mob chanting Down with the Whore, Down with the Whore, Down with”

“I can hear _ them _, Qyburn- no need to repeat those foul words. We still have Ser Robert.”

“ I am afraid not, Your Grace. You see, his brother came and challenged him for a duel and”

“You mean to tell me Ser Robert was defeated by The Hound? I do not believe it!”

“No, Your Grace...you yee...they were battling each other and then...out of nowhere...came this girl...she jumped from the shadows”

“Is daytime, Qyburn…”

“ As I was saying, she jumped from the shadows and them...she sliced Ser Robert´s throat. She then started to recite a list and “

In this very moment...a shadowy figure emerges from the shadows...Qyburn falls on his knees, blood pouring from his neck. 

Cersei winces. “ YOU!”

The figure is grotesque, a sewed mask of vengeance and madness.

One half is Tyrion, the other half, Jaime.

“THE VALONQAR!!”

Cersei dies from a heart attack.

Arya shrugs. Had she gone all this way in vain? 

“Oh, well…”

She starts removing Cersei´s face while she sings to herself. “ Cersei...Ser Gregor…” 

***

“What about the North?”

“The North sucks- I am out of here!”

“No...what about The North...as in...the Independent North?”

“No such thing, sweetheart- remember, they swore loyalty to me? King Jon? The King of the North who knelt and stood as the King of Seven Kingdoms?”

“I will declare Independence, Jon- you cannot stop me!”

“Shansha… be reasonable. The Vale Army is down to half...and the North is but a fraction of what it was. Tormund will be going to the wildlands with the remainder of the Free Folk, and Arya already took the Vows. You have no General to fight a war for you, nor you have the troops. Not to mention, you who have become so obsessed about food lately, lack the resources to feed your people. The North needs us. The last thing The North need is to be left alone.”

“This is all your fault! You changed the plans the last minute. We are surrounded by those savages your Queen brought here! “

“Easy now, Shansha.._ .easy _ . She is your Queen too. You are a smart girl. Stop making yourself look petty and greedy and start working to rebuild Winterfell- which _ is _ yours. As a Lady, not a Queen.”

Well, Sansa could at least say she _ tried _. Being the Lady of Winterfell was not a bad thing- no, not a bad thing at all. 

“ Fine. I accept it.”

***

The last person they killed was Ser Bronn. The man had returned South, claimed the bounty on Jaime and Tyrion´s heads, and was about to head south when the troops marched the gates. 

Bronn had become a victim of circumstances. There was nobody else worth mentioning on the Lannister´s side for the combined forces of Jon and Daenerys to capture, trial and execute for their crimes.

(The Golden Company had jumped ship, so to speak and joined the victors.)

Bronn had been in the wrong place, at the wrong time.

*** 

Daenerys and Jon make a startling announcement at the Dragon Pit: Drogon accidentally burnt the Iron Throne!

Therefore, Westeros is to be ruled by a Council with representants from all Regions, to be presided over by Lord Hand Davos Seaworth. 

(Perhaps In the future, the position will change name and, instead of Hand, the man- or woman- in charge will be called President...or Minister…or...)

This Council will discuss and approve common Law for the Seven Kingdoms. Locally, The Great Houses will exercise their leadership, as it had been until them, but they will also be aided by a Council, and part of this Body will be elected among all classes, so it was decreed.

***

Jon and Daenerys stayed behind just a couple of months to see the changes in effect.

Westeros was a shithole and they wanted better for their family.

“Let´s go, husband- this place stinks.”

“It sure does...it sure does.” Jon nods. “ Where are we going?”

“You chose: West of Westeros, to protect the innocent, or Volantis, to punish the wicked?”

They throw a coin in the air.

It lands.

On the right side.

***

Cersei is the last to arrive.

To her surprise, it is her father who receives her- a smile on his lips, a warm hug and well earned praise: “ Well done, my daughter! Well done! I was so proud of you! Made yourself Queen...killed all your enemies. Pity the Stark girl killed you.”

She searches for her children. “ Where are Myrcella and Tommen?"

Tywin Lannister clear his throat. “ Err...they are in _another_ place.”

It is very warm and Cersei had only been offered watered wine. The furniture was atrocious, the smell, bad, and the view - of a precipice where people dumped garbage- makes her want to puke.

“A_ better_ place?” Cersei asks hesitantly. 

Tywin nods. “ Come- Jaime and Tyrion are waiting. I have no idea where Joffrey is though. “ Tywin actually does know where his grandson is- visiting Robert Baratheon.

Cersei is afraid of their reaction. She had not been the best of sisters:

“ Father, do you think they will be..._ happy _ to see me?

Tywin smiles. “ Of course they will be happy, Cersei- we are together, are we not? Together, as we have always meant to be.”

  
  



End file.
